Life hurts.

It just does. As surely as there’s life, there’s death. They go hand in hand. 

I knew I was expecting three days before my period was even due. When you do natural family planning, you kinda know. It was so crazy: I ovulated twice in one month which completely came as a surprise. We were ready for the first, the second time (after Googling if it was even possible) we knew that God had a different plan for us.

Nonetheless, I am nothing but frugal and waited exactly 24 hours from when my period was due. I was up the whole night before, dreaming of our new baby. At 5:30 am, it was positive, and I waited for my handsome hubby to wake up. I let him take two sips of coffee before I bubbled over.

We were slightly overwhelmed, but by the end of the day, pumped. We kept it quiet for the first bit. I made plans to school through the summer so that we could be done when our baby (a boy, I’m sure of it) arrived in March. After all, isn’t that what homeschooling is all about? Making school fit around your family?

I was sick, but not as sick with the girls. They were a special brand of possibly-on-the-verge-of-death sick. This was more of a queasy, walking on a ship at sea after eating three Big Macs sick. I found that the better I ate, the better I felt. Almost all whole foods, with some grains mixed in for convenience. I drank liters of water.

All the while, we smiled at my growing belly. It goes quick, with the fifth. My pants stopped fitting at a month. Leggings and low rise jeans got me through the next one. Imagine if it were twins? How funny!

Finally, even the No Frills ladies were commenting on my new accessory. Yes, this is a baby bump. Yes, we’re excited. Yes, I know where they come from. We realized that all our acquaintances and the people who see me on a regular basis now knew, but not family.

We were so excited. Each new life that God has given us we have received as a total gift. Each pregnancy seems to go faster and faster. I LOVE being nine months pregnant. I love how close my emotions are to the surface: I feel so genuine in my feelings, and how they regularly spill down my cheeks. I love being a woman, an ambassador for life. It’s never “easy”: we have dealt with breech babies turning, a car accident at nine months, falling down the stairs at 6 months, Braxton Hicks, salsa that MUST BE HAD RIGHT NOW, nursing while pregnant, missing heartbeats (that later turned up after a few weeks) and ultrasounds, pee tests, blood work and glucose testing. Never have I needed to go for an ultrasound in the first trimester: I always know my dates (of conception and last periods). 

Pregnancy is bliss. After all, we can throw our charts out the window, because you can’t get pregnant twice! Life is good. Kids are excited. Life is crazy, but with the two of us and a whole lot of Jesus, we can swing it.

baby

Flash forward.

Sitting in the hospital for three hours, feeling my baby leave my body and not being able to stop it. Waiting through every person that gets called to hear MY NAME! Please, call me back. Please, do something. Please.

An acquaintance comes in. “Well, if you wouldn’t have told anyone, you could have pretended it didn’t happen.” 

Finally, they call me back. They tell me that the ultrasound tech is on her way home. I lose it.

They are frightened, call her back. She examines me; tells me that I don’t need any more children when I already have four! But I love THIS ONE. They are all different, and I love this one so much already. Please, tell me if it’s alive or not.

Test is inconclusive. Fetus may be dead. Fetus may be viable. Come back in a few days.

Two days of cramping, bleeding, but possibility.

Monday rolls around. “We must have school today! We want to be done before Baby comes.”

Halfway through math class I am bawling in the bathroom, feeling the hope drain out of me while the other kids fight and bang on the door.

“He hit me!”

“She was bugging me!”

“Juice! Mom. Juice!”

Please, give me five minutes to say goodbye to our baby.

After another hospital visit and more pain than I thought, our baby is gone. A life is gone.

Well if you wouldn’t have told anyone, you could have pretended it never happened. What a nightmare that would be. Because he was here. My baby boy was here, and now he’s not, and I’m sad. But he was. And I’m so thankful that I was excited and proud of my baby for the time he was in my body. What a privilege it is to have had him for as long as I did. I don’t know why any of this happened. But it did.

The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord! 

baby2

17 Comments

  1. I am so sorry. I am sorry for your loss, and sorry for insensitive people. Thank you, for acknowledging your little one ‘s life. Thank you, for allowing others to share in your joy and your sorrow. This baby was loved, and surely felt that.

  2. oh sweetie! You could not have possibly explained the feelings any better than you did. Heart still breaking and love you dearly! – mommy

  3. Sandra, You are an AMAZING sister, friend and especially an AMAZING mom. You’re right. Life does hurt and life does suck. But the way you are, especially in a time like this, you are an inspiration to not only me but everyone else who comes along your path. I am SO proud of how strong you are for not only Simon, not only Stephen, Silas, Hosanna and Abby, but also how strong you are for yourself. I look up to you, in so many ways. In a time like this, you still praise God. You truly are an amazing woman of God, Sandge. I love you with all of my heart and I am always here for you.
    – Love always your little sis; Delaina

  4. Oh Sandra, my heart goes out to you, so sorry for your loss and pain! You are in my prayers, much love to you, Hildi.

  5. I’m so very sorry for your loss….and pain. Praying the Lord’s tender presence with you as you grieve. …..Nancy Klassen

  6. Sandra You have truly learned how to run to the Rock, praying for His comfort and peace in your heart as you heal. This prayer is for your whole family, this was very well said you are a blessed woman of God. You are a wonderful mother and a blessing to all of us. I am so proud of You and Simon and hurt with you. Love you All XXXXXXOOOOOO

  7. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy….my heart breaks for you. Thank you for acknowledging the life that was in you and sharing your joy and now your grief with your “family.” I am mourning with you and praying for the Prince of Peace to come into your home to comfort His children. Love you!

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